SpeciaLink :: Readings about Inclusion

Gentle Teaching
by Debra Mayer
reprinted with permission by the Manitoba Child Care Association

Gentle Teaching is a non-violent approach for helping children and adults with special needs, but it works well with any child, and any adult. Gentle Teaching means “gentleness toward others, in spite of what anyone does or does not do.... Fists are met with hugs. Cursing is met with words of affection and nurturing. Spiteful eyes are met with warmth. Gentleness recognizes that all change is mutual and interwoven. It starts with caregivers and, hopefully, touches those who are most marginalized. Its central focus is to express unconditional love. It is the framework around a psychology of human interdependence. The main idea of gentleness is not to get rid of someone else’s behaviours, but to deepen our own inner feelings of gentleness in the face of violence or disregard. Gentle Teaching is also a teaching approach. As such, it has four initial teaching purposes—to teach others to feel safe, loved, loving, and engaged. These do not just happen. They are taught through repeated acts of love. Gentle caregivers learn to use their presence, hands, words, and eyes as their primary teaching tools to uplift and honor others.” (www.gentleteaching.com)

Nerina Robson is a Winnipeg based facilitator for the Gentle Teaching approach who is also a consultant with the Association for Community Living-Manitoba. Recently, Nerina shared information about Gentle Teaching at an MCCA workshop. Here is a synthesis of some of the key points she made.

Nerina was struck by the kind of discipline used by many early childhood staff, which seems to be based on the notion that there must be a consequence to every action. Caregivers are challenged by the need to apply a consequence when children misbehave, and seem unaware that this action may be in direct conflict with what they are actually trying to teach children. What is the consequence when children misbehave? They are made to feel badly about themselves, are humiliated when they are separated from their peers, or resentful or sad when they have a favourite activity denied to them.

Nerina advises that our goals for children should include teaching them how we want them to behave. Our focus should be on teaching children what it means to be “good”. We can use hugs and affection to demonstrate how good it can feel to be a good child.

Interestingly, early childhood professionals are very accepting of this notion for their own children, but are less accepting of this approach with the chronic problem child (and we each have one of those in our group). Yet the strategies we currently use may be pushing the problem child to resort to inappropriate behaviour in order to get our attention. Instead, Nerina advises that we work hard at making the problem child feel safe and loved. Once those basic needs are met, the child with allow us teach and show her the way to behave.

A caregiver at a children’s centre shared this story with Nerina. She was working with a three year old “trouble maker”—a little boy of three who showed no compromise, would not share and resorted to frequent temper tantrums when he was thwarted (sound like anyone you know?) In the midst of an upset, the caregiver picked up the child and gave him hugs. She said, doesn’t that feel good? The next day, he ran to her when he saw her and asked her for a hug. Now, she can begin to teach him about kindness.

But, what do you do when one child hurts another? Of course you must step in immediately and turn your attention to the victim, offering comfort and safety. However, the aggressor also needs attention and ideally, a team member can sit with the “bad” child, offering affirmation: I know you are a good kid. Remember how good it feels to be good and kind.

Some caregivers express confusion about the parents’ role. Many have experienced frustration at lack of follow through by parents but the gentle teaching approach can be used with parents and other adults, too. Remember to talk to parents with kindness, and encourage their cooperation as together you teach the child about kindness. Gentle Teaching works well with anyone who has been wounded or feels upset.

Nerina encourages caregivers to remember their important position in the lives of children and their families. Early childhood professionals can really make a difference in the life of a child. The Gentle Teaching approach allows us to demonstrate how good it is to be gentle, sharing and caring together.

To learn more about this approach, please visit www.gentleteaching.com. The River East School Division regularly offers Gentle Teaching courses through their continuing education program.

Debra Mayer is the early childhood consultant for the Association for Community Living-Manitoba. Through Teachable Moments, Debra offers customized workshops to the early childhood community.